It begins….

It begins with a year of saying “Yes”
It begins with Joyce Reason going on a hike in 1930
It begins with a kiss between a boy and a girl in 1999
It begins with Alfred Watkins taking a photograph
It begins with a chance meeting in a train station
It begins with time
It begins with a dream of a spider
It begins with a walk
It begins with a pilgrimage
It begins with a feeling
It begins with a boy asking a girl if he can have her number
It begins with falling in love
It begins with a journey
It begins with a long day that passed so quickly
It begins with a line, a straight line from here to here (time)
It begins with Ru and Olga
It begins 8,000 years ago on Porth Island
It begins when eyes meet, gazes lock in recognition
It begins 4,000 years ago with a chalk ridge carved out into the Wiltshire countryside.
It begins with the hands which move this land.
It begins with a straight line, from here to here (vertical)
It begins with a breath
It begins with a straight line drawn across a map straight down to the sea.
It begins with a decision
It begins with us, here tonight
It begins with love
It begins with a woman sitting by the sea
It begins with a dream….

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This Land Sings Love…

The Distance Travelled Development Documentation from Gemma Alldred on Vimeo.

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Glastonbury Ritual

Walk to the Tor, tracing your footsteps from when you walked there last together; walking should although for thinking and meditating on the time you spent together.


At the foot, ring the bell five times with your fingernails.

Walk up the back way holding a clear quartz in your right hand. When you reach the top add a rose quartz and meditate on the relationship again.

Write a letter.


Circle the Tor 3 times anti-clockwise and decide what it is you need to let go of.

Pass into the tower and light a black candle and cleanse yourself of these fears, whilst staring at the flame. [in practice this was too windy to undertake, instead I as looked down I noticed that I was still wearing the ring he’d given me. I took this as a sign and I took off the ring and passed it over the candle, before stowing it away in my bag.]

Pass through the tower, exiting from the other side, to celebrate the passing and in remembrance of the love, send bubbles over the front side of the Tor, where once we spent a wonderful afternoon.


Walk down the front side of the Tor. Don’t look back.

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A Lone Woman’s Travels – Old Sarum

In 1931 the following article by Joyce Reason was written and published, this is the remaining documentation of a walk and wander she undertook alone.

From it’s clues I retraced her footsteps. I took with me some watercress scones, a notebook, a copy of the Ley Hunter’s Manual, a whistle (in case of danger) and compass.


On my walk I found Joyce, where she’d left herself in the countryside and through the clues she left behind for other’s to find of her.

Joyce may’ve been walking in the way she did to research her books, her stories.
I walked in this way to do the same, to try and find out more about a story I sensed I needed to tell. One I am trying to write now.


Joyce lost her fiance, “how careless of her”, I am wondering if she didn’t need to find him because she knew, just like I discovered that day I went looking for Joyce,  that he wasn’t lost. That no loves are ever lost, nor can be found.

They simply are and always will be.

Perhaps I must play my part in tradition, in path making and maintaining. Joyce walked to tell a story and left herself there for me to find. As I work out how to tell a new story, I am aware that in doing so,  I am part of the path of ages and that one day sooner or later, I will be found and lost again.


Tuesday 31st – Going in search of Joyce


The View of Old Sarum from my tent

I rose early and headed to the Cathedral for communion, which I didn’t receive.

I wept a lot and prayed a lot, but struggled to find God.

“Lord hear us”


Remnants of war, slowly decaying, marking the deaths

Dissatisfied and wandering the church for a spot of quiet alone, I came upon St. Michael’s chapel – for quiet prayer.

Whilst I sat there collecting my thoughts I reached for the bible (Proverbs 2 & 31). As I was reading I realised the power of the words and wondered how many people over time had too looked for solace in them, that we were all searching for inner peace and wisdom, and knowing this I felt less alone. The sun shone through the window out of the grey skies. The sun shone for me – a sign. All signs, which I could see but felt distant from. Still they were there, God with me even if I cannot feel his presence.

“Lord Hear Us”

I lit a candle for hope (and maybe one for faith and love too). And now I am looking for Joyce, still thinking of BB, wishing hard it could be different.

Love is cruel and deceptive, head and heart argue too strongly to ever make sense. I am inseparable from my heart and my head; forever will I be in torment?
No regrets, how much more can I do?
Nothing other than wait and be disappointed.
Already I miss the years we never spent together.


Market Place, Salisbury
(where I purchased my lunch – watercress muffins)

But now, a lone woman’s journey. I set off in the grey drizzle in search of Joyce.

(At Figsbury Ring)


The Roman Road – looking back towards Sarum

I’ve walked for two hours or more now, following Joyce’s path along the Roman Road and struggling myself to find the Monarch’s way. Battling through overgrown path and a fallen down sty. Still I guess in 1931 the walk was even harder. A compass is an essential tool on a journey like this one. Although the Roman Road is a busy minor road, and very scary with cars slowing and speeding; I felt Joyce’s hand on my right shoulder.


The Roman Road


Roman Road continued


View back down the Roman Road before turning onto the Monarch’s Way

And I felt the footsteps of the Roman’s, those before and anticipated those to come after. I have stepped in their path as others will follow mine. 

I am part of the ages. I am tradition. I am history.
I am ever present as are all the souls that lay before me. I feel you here with me.
Each with a heart, a care, a question, a problem, an answer.
Each with a joy, a pain, sorrow and laughter, love and loss.
Eternally only one search. Only one search, but an infinite number of destinies. [answers.]

We’re all one. I held a tree, I felt its strength and age and wisdom ground me. We are all one.


Fallen Sty – Monarch’s Way


Monarch’s Way

Sat at Figsbury Ring * surrounded by countryside. This place has been here for an age. Women, men, children camped here I guess. They dug the trenches, hands built these mounds, so that I might sit here and write about how I feel in their presence. I imagine Joyce here too. Maybe she felt the same sense of oneness. And always of danger, isolation.

This is crazy, increasingly I wonder if I am. Too risky, too mental, or perfectly normal – just laden with guilt. Being here makes me happy, having this adventure, this insight. Well I couldn’t do anything else, this is my Goa moment again. Find the strength.

…. and on I go.


9.15pm – ish

I can barely bring myself to write. So exhausted and worn through but with a new peace and contentment. Today has been a ritual and a task. I have cornered a little part of my own world. I have been scared, alone and with no choice but to press on… as [section omitted] .. My God it’s exhilarating! Speaking of God, who seemed so absent this morning, I certainly found something again today. I also spent a long while in that little church. So beautiful, just down from Old Sarum. I think Joyce would’ve stayed here abouts.


It was the peaceful place I needed that wasn’t there in the cathedral. I didn’t pray. I didn’t need to. I did write in the prayer suggestions, “for the courage to change” and re-read the proverbs from this morning. Incredible sense, although as a ‘woman’ I am excluded from the wisdom it offers; a man to a man. a father to a son.

All our problems are age old and our love is too. I am not the first nor the last. This sense of perspective in time, not so much space, is what is interesting here (Salisbury). It’s almost easier or more obvious to be in the present, in the now as the past is so visible and therefore suggests a future that’ll be so too; it almost means I can let them [referring to past heartbreaks & part of the reason for taking the trip] go, I have no control here over those things.

Walking alone was either brave, stupid or mad and several times, particularly through the wooded gauntlet that was the Monarch way I was really very afraid. Still I walked quicker and felt exhilarated as I burst out onto a field of neatly rowed corn, just me.
And the world.


Exhilarating – lone walking has all the makings of a danger sport!

I felt and still feel the independence and strength I had been searching for. I thought of BB from time to time, but today was very much about me.

[section omitted]

I noted that if I were to meet some unpleasant fate, then I couldn’t argue. I was happy today. I found happiness and that pursuit is a reason to live. I would be dying anyway, if I weren’t to follow this path.

BB’s advice about licking nettle stings came in very useful on more than one occasion!

I saw camels and donkeys and llamas  – I’m sure Joyce wouldn’t have seen such wonders.

I enjoyed picking my route and re-editing it depending on my mood and the pain in my feet. I have a blister to end all walks if it is not dried out tomorrow. And soggy boots, which I think were a main part of the problem.


I set off at 11.15 ish and returned just after 6pm having spent a good deal of time in the latter part of my journey resting and thinking or simply allowing my mind to take in the moment – which seems so easy, but that’s what I’ve been unable to achieve for months now.


I sat beside the Avon on a beautiful tree, the trunk of which jutted at an angle forming a perfect seat, I wondered if Joyce sat here. I liked to think she did and I felt her there with me too. I ate my muffin from the farmer’s market this morning and appreciated the good fortune and wonder of both.


How lucky I felt sat there. So simple really.

For a moment on a track, I stopped to listen. Just the sound of my breath, the birds and insects, and the corn rustling in the wind. Quite amazing, when really it should be so everyday.

I meant to write a thank you card here, but it just hasn’t been the right time and walking alone has a different quality to walking when following a group. Much less time to think. Although the times I felt safer – on well trodden or deliberate paths I allowed some thinking and noted the reality of ‘safety’ as being more dangerous than the gauntlets – still alone, yet more likely to be run over or approached.


I walked alone, because I wanted to be free. And I very much was.
Today was a, coming of age defining walk. This is me. This is who I am. This is when I am happy.

I do enjoy the rhythm of camping. It’s turned dark, so free of TV and warmth and lights, its time for bed. The pleasure of cooking vile, dried food on a hob. Sitting outside, writing by headtorch, waking early. Even this is a pleasure, such simple and hard living.

I will sleep tonight I’m sure but even now I don’t want to go to bed! There’s no choice really. Must make the most of tomorrow, travels to plan and walking to be done. I hope my feet heal well in the night. A huge blister!

On a final note – a lone woman’s luck – the most wonderful 50p reduced raspberries from the co-op up the road from the camp. I may well send a postcard tomorrow [section omitted] … I may be mad, but I think I could grow to be ok about that.

To bed, one more cigarette (of course I tried Joyce’s theory in the ‘gauntlet’), finish my beer and bed.

So much will never be remembered from today but it is in the path I took and the walk I made. 

A journey I will almost never take again – literally/physically in my life time, but doubtless my energy will be there for the next wanderer.


View of Salisbury Cathedral from Old Sarum


‘A white cottage’ – I pretended this may’ve been the one Joyce referred to in her article


Joyce, would most likely have stayed in the garden of one the houses in this village below,  the next day I investigated further and narrowed it down to two possible places.


* How peculiar that as I hunted for a page to ref I came across this one, chance is of course, chance and Salisbury is near Bournemouth so the Shelley connection can’t be too great, but here I am trying to write about love, inspired by a place that inspired Forster to write and quote Shelley;

I was never attached to that great sect
Whose doctrine is that each one should select
Out of the world a mistress or a friend,
And all the rest, though fair and wise, commend
To cold oblivion, – though it is the code
Of modern morals, and the beaten road
Which those poor slaves with weary footsteps tread,
By the broad highway of the world – and so
With one sad friend, perhaps a jealous foe,
The dreariest and longest journey go.

Can it be the countryside air? Is it that this place holds a set of conditions that create this response, or is that simply by treading the path and having these thoughts retains the thoughts for the next person seeking to find them. Walking as an act of documentation. Ritual. Tradition. Pilgrimage.

At least it would seem, many storytellers have found the act of being in nature conducive to being able to find a new story to tell.

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two bits not to forget…

For everyone I’ve ever loved, I spelt ur name in stones,
And shells. I wrote it on beaches.
Last night I dreamt of you, no matter how many times I say goodbye and let you go, all of you are still here with me.

Facebook Poem Jan 07.13

The milky way slips from the elipse.
My universe. My world so small.
Leaning back, drowning I see the stars still.
In the distance this city called home.
Salty reflections. A thinking space rainbow.
The sound of chav youth. Tonight I’m not scared and the imperfection of this romance makes it complete.
Light reflecting light. Cycles, circles and loops.
New.old. into the unknown, my universe, my world so small and the constant, consistent stars.

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Material List

Material list

Actions – Character developed from Vicky’s workshop

Young parents – as told from writing workshop

Feeling good – as sung all the time

Tighter – song

You got the love

Joyce… to be developed… on that walk, I was there, she was there RESEARCH figsbury ring… who else was there? Writing from ring…

Joyce as a vehicle/character/voice

Identity…. who am I? – link to MH/OoC can’t be overlooked

Text from Kirsty session

Rituals RESEARCH ritual and performance… how can I make a ritualised performance… how can this be the essence of the work.?

Ritual Language… ‘lord hear us’…

Religion and God (see ritual)

Lists and the grammatology of the journals ‘full stop’ ‘dash’ ect  – To do etc…. push this? Experiment?


A love story – how I wrote it in my head, a fantasy version, a real version… a happy ending… a non-ending…. a performance made for the love i will wait for…. I will wait for you…
Storytell: the story is gorgeous… from a cold weekend to Mallorca… to the south coast… to starting again, to hot summers…. all of it intertwines… life whispers… go… go ….go….

More love storys which take you to Spanish beaches… clever life.

A meta love story (see God) – also a destiny… mysterious forces move us.

OVERLAY – as a research text.

Countryside references – see Joyce.

Arthur Watkins – interesting story… place for him, wildcard, metaphor, goose chase?

IMAGES: eating cornflakes from the box. Tossing a coin.

Set ideas…

Use the Glastonbury carnival car shot as an inspiration… bright, fun, fantasy..

Layers… don’t forget layers, brown duvet… spider…

Between the sheets, between the ground, between the maps…

Chairs in the studio, speak each story from the chairs….. the beginning – who speaks? when/where does it begin?

Consider a set designer

Grass… outside inside… sticks… part of spider…

Stones… for everyone I’ve ever loved I spelt your name out in stones…. gesalt moment (lol) I am making underwear again…

Tone, pace, feeling… bright, love, romance, mystic, that feeling I mean…. simon armitage – put on blogsite.

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staring at tomato soup…

…which is what I’m doing now. Staring at my soup wondering how to begin over.

And what to do in the meantime. Except for stare at tomato soup that is.

Increasingly everything I have done this year has been like a practice for this moment of departure…. even as I was heating up my soup, staring out the window I was remembering how every place I vistied on my travels I wanted to stay longer, but was always glad I’d left when I did on arrival at my next destination.

And on how text messages from people I can’t feel that way about are making me understand more about the love I have which isn’t returned… and on how ‘its true, you never really stop loving  your first love’ and how I’ve rehearsed packing and unpacking and having no home and how I’ve found new ways to be alone and be brave and survive even when I wanted to crawl from under my own skin because I couldn’t stand myself and how I’ve had adventures and met wonderful people, even briefly, and how I’ve learnt or re-learnt to let more things go and be present, be mindful……

… I’m still staring at my soup. Its hard to swallow.

I am thankful to myself, as I have recorded so many of these lessons and as I begin to read back and edit my journals, its like I’m speaking to myself now from the past, and I’m saying it will be okay…” go…go…go….” whispered on the wind.

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beneath a tent of maps

Today I miss my tent, I miss being responsible for what I choose to do next and solely that, tonight I looked at the stars and they reminded me of when I was sleeping beneath them. They called me back, but so long ago it seems now that I could only just make out a whisper.

Today I started work, I mapped part of my journey although I couldn’t find it in myself to get past Salisbury, although I did realise that these elements are working together:





Today beneath my tent of maps I wrote this…

In my tent of maps. hiding safe. I feel beneath the land, I feel hidden, secure, protected. Here for time immemorial – what does that even mean? what does ‘forever’ mean? How often does anyone ever think about what eternity might mean?

I found myself beneath Winchester, Salisbury, Avebury, places I”d traced on the map before I’d walked them and now I’m lying in my tent beneath them, beneath the land, of the land, of the stones and the footsteps tracing life lines across the landscape. Eternal love, eternal life. Always and forever – as far as my concept of either goes – always and forever I will wait for you….

.. on the wind I feel you. In the stones I meet your gaze. Through the land I sense you near me. You are here with me.  Everyone is here with us tonight. Everyone who ever was and everyone who will ever be and perhaps even everyone who might’ve been too.

Because we are all one.
And I feel it. I sense it. I know it.

There is only one love, one love everlasting, that we are privileged to taste momentarily, in the right time and the right place.

I sensed it.

Eyes meet gazes lock in recognition, two timeless souls, two souls sense each other, their eyes meet and the know, they feel it, at that moment, everything happens that has happened and everything happens that will happen.

The eternal love is a window, a reminder, we are all one; always remembered. always forgotten.

Love is a gift connecting that which can’t be spoken. Love saves us, saves me, saves you. It connects us, everything is connected. An open heart is open to see the shapes made on the landscape which a rational mind must explain away, but love moved this earth, these stones, these memorials to memory which shape this land.

This land sings love.
This land sings loss & heartache.
This land keeps me safe and holds me tight when you cannot.
This land holds me and secures me, whispers traces of love before and traces of love to come.

Love is everlasting and it is buried here,
beneath the land,
beneath the maps,
beneath skin, flesh and bone.
I  glimpse its magnitude when eyes meet, when we fall in love, we can only glimpse its magnitude, just enough to feel at ease and lose the anxiety of living, of being alive, of questioning.
Eyes meet and all knowledge is ours.

I breathe again, at peace. In love, I am at peace… I know you yet we only just met, or we never even met, or maybe we stayed too long. I know you because in that moment, in that moment of connect I know everything. I feel everything and everyone and I am at peace.

This love everlasting, its in the land, on the wind, in the stars. And I will wait for you.

I will take this love and I will wait for you, beneath the maps and lines and earth. Death, memory, memorial. My love waits here for you, where it has always been and will always remain.

In this land, through these stones for as long as it takes for two souls to meet again, this love outlasts my mortal body as you outlast yours. Blowing on the wind to find me for eternity, together we fit and will wait, wait for new lovers to discover their own secrets that they may taste our love in there own.

I will build a shape in the land, that they may journey here, that they too may discover the secret; that time is only ever now, that everything happens all at once over and over and in that moment we will live again, our love, a smaller part of a greater one will live again in them. Love is never destroyed, perhaps forgotten, misplaced, mistaken or lost, but never destroyed which is why I will not grieve for you or my love for you, instead I will wait, I will wait for you to return to me.

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long time…..

much has happened, far too much to blog now at 11 at night when I’m feeling a bit under the weather as it is.

But tonight a plan formed for studio time… independent studio time. scary.

maps, mapping, map the journey in the space (obvious I know) then photograph to use in sections as starting points for canvas – arty type art … which thinking about lippards overlay book begins to make sense, and I have this urge to paint at the minute…. I think this is a direction worth exploring to see what it reveals… away from text.

no journals…. just images… bubbles, flour, footprints, objects, rituals, space, body, maps.

That’s the plan for Sunday….. I hope I remember what I meant now, then.

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… and on I go… Journal extracts 02.08.12 – 04.08.12

Blue Note Cafe – sat in the courtyard, the song playing (is this),  suddenly I feel quite lonely – “we’re fated to pretend, to pretend… live fast and die young”

Glastonbury doesn’t feel good or safe. An awful lot of negativity here. Feeling quite paranoid, wondering if I’m well at all. I can hear myself sounding mad.

Leaving Salisbury was hard and I’ve felt alone since.

I don’t know what I imagined. I didn’t imagine at all I think.

I’ve an urge to walk up to the Tor and circle it three times anti-clockwise. I have gone mad. And this place is full of madness and feels so saturated with people to be wary of. Bad energy, I’ve an urge to run. Even the campsite bothers me. Maybe I should leave.

Got a text message this morning. I barely slept all night. I remembered the nummite I’d bought – it’s meaning is quite relevant and perhaps is tempering my current thinking – the knowledge of it. I woke exactly as the text message was received after sleeping with the crystal in my hand, I can’t help but think it had some influence and I felt him with me.

Practically the day has been wearing and I am tired. maybe I need to draw a circle around the tor, with the chalk from Figsbury – god I’d feel like a dick if I did that!

This place feels full up today, like York – but with more foreboding.
Apparently the Tor is a gate to the Underworld.

I don’t know where to put myself and I am actually quite scared. I need something to hold onto, I am close to freaking out. . . I must steel myself – ‘everything I need, I have inside of me’.

I guess I just feel vulnerable. Another spider found itself on me at camp. I took it as a reassuring omen. I think that maybe spider’s are my guide. So many spiders.

I will stay I am here to face CC. And I don’t really know what that means.
Maybe what I am scared of is myself here, yesterday and this morning being alone made me happy, but now I am scared, tired and alone. I read ‘wandering’ and I begin to come to a little.

And sing, maybe I need to sing.

Just realised I forgot to pick up my train ticket in Salisbury…. shit. shit. shit.

Now I really want to go home.
Now I really want a hug.
Now I really want a friend.
Now I really feel a fool.
Now I realise my hippy, dippy travelling haze.

Now I realise… that everything happens for a reason…?

Now I realise ….

… that such an act is so typical of me. I forget and lose everything, I’ve just trained myself not to. Actually how reckless, irresponsible, inconvenient. How fucking glorious. . . I am not going to stress about this. I can sort it out or buy a new ticket.

I need to wake up, made soft by salisbury and by love.


why am I here again? Today is a bad day and I hate myself, I feel a fool. I feel like the world laughs at me, and they’re probably right.

[section omitted]

Maybe the story here [Glastonbury] is that there is no story here. Maybe I wanted to love CC, but never really did. Maybe this is true of all of my loves.

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